Domestic Violence
Love, Sex & Attachment
Although we would love to be your primary resource for all things related to domestic violence, we want to highlight the amazing work of others in the field, providing you with multiple opinions and resources to choose from. We encourage you to connect with the professionals in the helping community whose work we admire and endorse. Please explore the topics below and click on the video links to learn more about the dynamics of domestic violence.
National Domestic Violence Security Alert:
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Resources for Help
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National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
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Crisis Text Line: Text "HELLO" to 741741
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RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
How would I know if I'm a victim of DV?
Abuse can be subtle and may involve multiple types simultaneously.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
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Do you feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
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Do you avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
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Do you feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
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Do you believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
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Do you wonder if you are the one who is crazy?
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Do you feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Signs of Physical Abuse:
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Has your partner ever physically hurt you? (e.g., hitting, slapping, kicking, choking)
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Does your partner threaten to hurt you, your children, or pets?
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Have you been forced into sexual activity against your will?
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Do you have frequent injuries with excuses for each one?
Signs of Emotional and Psychological Abuse:
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Does your partner humiliate or yell at you?
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Does your partner criticize or belittle you regularly?
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Does your partner ignore or dismiss your opinions or accomplishments?
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Does your partner blame you for their abusive behavior?
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Does your partner see you as property or a sex object rather than as a person?
Signs of Controlling Behavior:
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Does your partner act excessively jealous or possessive?
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Does your partner control where you go or who you see?
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Does your partner keep you from seeing friends or family?
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Does your partner limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
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Does your partner constantly check up on you?
Signs of Isolation:
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Does your partner try to isolate you from friends, family, or support systems?
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Are you often criticized for spending time with others?
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Do you feel like you have to ask for permission to see friends or family?
Signs of Financial Abuse:
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Does your partner control all the finances and give you an allowance?
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Does your partner prevent you from working or attending school?
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Does your partner take your money or make you account for every penny you spend?
Signs of Psychological Manipulation:
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Does your partner make all the decisions in your relationship and at home?
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Does your partner act like the abuse is no big deal, deny it happened, or blame you?
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Does your partner threaten to take away your children or have you committed?
Feelings and Behaviors:
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Do you feel trapped or unable to leave your partner?
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Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner?
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Do you find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior?
If You Answered "Yes":
If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, you may be experiencing abuse. It’s important to remember that abuse is never your fault, and help is available. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional for support. National hotlines and local shelters can also provide resources and assistance.
Recognizing Signs of Abuse
What is Gaslighting?
Narcissists Create Codependency
Are You in a Trauma Bond?
The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding
What are the Types of Abuse?
Abuse can take many forms, and understanding these different types can help in recognizing and addressing them.
1. Physical Abuse
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Definition: Physical harm or injury inflicted on a person.
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Examples: Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, burning, or using weapons.
2. Emotional and Psychological Abuse
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Definition: Behaviors that harm a person's self-worth or emotional well-being.
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Examples: Insults, threats, intimidation, constant criticism, humiliation, manipulation, and controlling behavior.
3. Verbal Abuse
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Definition: The use of words to cause harm to a person.
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Examples: Yelling, swearing, name-calling, belittling, and verbal threats.
4. Sexual Abuse
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Definition: Any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior.
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Examples: Rape, sexual assault, unwanted touching, forcing someone to engage in sexual acts, or using sex as a form of control.
5. Financial or Economic Abuse
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Definition: Controlling a person's ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources.
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Examples: Withholding money, controlling bank accounts, forbidding employment, stealing money, or incurring debt in another person's name.
6. Digital or Cyber Abuse
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Definition: The use of technology to harass, control, or intimidate someone.
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Examples: Stalking through social media, sending threatening emails or messages, hacking accounts, and monitoring online activities.
7. Neglect
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Definition: The failure to provide necessary care, assistance, guidance, or attention that causes harm or creates a risk of harm.
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Examples: Failing to provide food, shelter, clothing, medical care, or protection.
8. Cultural or Identity Abuse
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Definition: Using cultural identity, ethnicity, religion, or other personal characteristics to control, manipulate, or harm someone.
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Examples: Mocking cultural practices, preventing participation in cultural or religious activities, or using racial slurs.
9. Spiritual Abuse
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Definition: Manipulating a person's spiritual or religious beliefs to control or harm them.
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Examples: Forcing religious beliefs or practices, preventing religious practices, or using religious texts or beliefs to justify abuse.
10. Reproductive Coercion
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Definition: Behaviors that interfere with a person's reproductive autonomy.
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Examples: Forcing pregnancy, sabotaging birth control, or controlling decisions about abortion or reproductive health.
What if I think I know someone being abused?
Recognizing the signs of domestic violence is crucial for early intervention and support.
Physical Signs:
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Unexplained Injuries: Bruises, broken bones, sprains, or dislocations.
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Frequent and Varying Injuries: Injuries at different stages of healing.
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Attempts to Hide Injuries: Wearing long sleeves or sunglasses indoors.
Emotional and Psychological Signs:
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Low Self-Esteem: The victim may seem excessively submissive or fearful.
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Anxiety and Depression: Frequent crying, panic attacks, or other symptoms of mental health issues.
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Isolation: The victim may withdraw from friends, family, or social activities.
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Personality Changes: Becoming unusually quiet, withdrawn, or depressed.
Behavioral Signs:
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Frequent Absences: Missing work, school, or social events without a clear reason.
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Constant Checking In: Needing to check in with their partner frequently, showing fear of their partner’s reaction.
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Restricted Freedom: Rarely being seen without their partner or not being allowed to make decisions.
Financial Signs:
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Lack of Access to Money: The victim may have no access to financial resources or be given an allowance.
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Unexplained Financial Issues: Sudden financial problems or debts despite having a stable income.
Social Signs:
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Isolation from Loved Ones: The abuser may restrict the victim’s contact with friends, family, or coworkers.
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Public Humiliation: The abuser may belittle or insult the victim in public.
Signs in Children:
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Behavioral Changes: Aggression, withdrawal, or other significant changes in behavior.
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Academic Problems: Declining performance in school or frequent absences.
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Physical Symptoms: Headaches, stomachaches, or other symptoms with no medical cause.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse:
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Frequent Insults: The abuser constantly criticizes, humiliates, or insults the victim.
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Threats: Threats of harm to the victim, children, pets, or others.
How to Break a Trauma Bond
The 4 Attachment Styles
10 Types of Personality Disorders
The Psychology of Narcissism
4 Types of Narcissism
Signs of Codependency
Codependency Recovery
What is Trauma?
The Body Keeps The Score
Adverse Childhood Experiences: ACES
Are you an Empath?
Neurobiology of Trauma
Models of Clinical Therapy for DV
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):
CBT helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors related to their trauma.
Trauma Focused-CBT:
TF-CBT is a specialized form of CBT for children and adolescents who have experienced trauma.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT):
DBT combines CBT with mindfulness strategies to help regulate emotions.
Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS):
IFS explores and heals the various "parts" within an individual that are affected by trauma.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR):
EMDR involves processing traumatic memories while focusing on external stimuli, such as side-to-side eye movements.
Hypnotherapy:
Hypnotherapy is a therapeutic technique that uses hypnosis to help individuals achieve a state of focused attention allowing individuals to explore thoughts, feelings, and memories that may be hidden from their conscious mind.
Brainspotting:
A brainspot is a specific eye position that correlates with an area of the brain that holds trauma, emotional pain, or distress. When a person’s gaze is directed towards a brainspot, it can activate and access these stored experiences for processing.
Somatic Experiencing:
SE focuses on releasing the physical tension stored in the body due to trauma
Prolonged Exposure Therapy:
PE involves repeated exposure to trauma-related thoughts, feelings, and situations to reduce their impact.
Narrative Exposure Therapy:
ET helps individuals create a cohesive narrative of their traumatic experiences.
Attachment Based Therapy:
Focuses on improving interpersonal relationships and resolving attachment issues resulting from trauma.
Psychodynamic Therapy:
Explores unconscious processes and how past experiences influence current behavior and emotions.
Levels of Trauma
Trauma can be classified into different levels based on its nature, duration, and impact on an individual. Understanding these levels can help in identifying appropriate interventions and support.
1. Acute Trauma
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Definition: Results from a single, isolated event.
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Examples: Natural disasters, accidents, physical assaults, sudden loss of a loved one.
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Impact: Intense but short-lived. Individuals may experience shock, denial, and temporary difficulty in functioning.
2. Chronic Trauma
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Definition: Results from repeated and prolonged exposure to distressing events.
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Examples: Ongoing domestic violence, long-term child abuse, bullying, living in a war zone.
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Impact: Can lead to severe psychological and physical issues, including chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The cumulative effect often results in long-term difficulties in emotional regulation and relationships.
3. Complex Trauma
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Definition: Results from exposure to multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature.
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Examples: Prolonged abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), neglect, exposure to domestic violence during childhood.
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Impact: Deeply affects an individual's sense of self, relationships, and overall functioning. Symptoms may include dissociation, severe emotional dysregulation, identity issues, and difficulties with trust and intimacy.
4. Secondary or Vicarious Trauma
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Definition: Results from indirect exposure to trauma, often through close contact with trauma survivors or working in professions that deal with trauma regularly.
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Examples: Therapists, first responders, medical personnel, social workers.
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Impact: Individuals may experience symptoms similar to those of direct trauma survivors, such as compassion fatigue, burnout, anxiety, and emotional distress.
5. Historical and Intergenerational Trauma
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Definition: Results from the collective trauma experienced by a group of people, which can be transmitted across generations.
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Examples: Genocide, slavery, colonization, systemic racism.
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Impact: Can affect communities and descendants for generations, leading to ongoing patterns of trauma-related issues such as poverty, health disparities, and psychological distress.
6. Developmental Trauma
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Definition: Results from exposure to traumatic events during critical developmental periods in childhood.
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Examples: Chronic neglect, emotional abuse, attachment disruptions, witnessing violence.
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Impact: Can severely affect brain development and emotional regulation. Long-term effects may include attachment disorders, difficulty in forming healthy relationships, learning difficulties, and increased risk of mental health issues.
PTSD
symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions.
1. Intrusive Memories:
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Flashbacks: Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again.
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Nightmares: Disturbing dreams related to the traumatic event.
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Severe Emotional Distress: Intense emotional reactions to reminders of the trauma.
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Physical Reactions: Experiencing physical symptoms, such as a racing heart or sweating, when reminded of the trauma.
2. Avoidance:
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Avoiding Reminders: Staying away from places, activities, or people that remind them of the traumatic event.
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Avoiding Thoughts and Feelings: Trying not to think about or talk about the traumatic event.
3. Negative Changes in Thinking and Mood:
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Negative Thoughts: Feelings of hopelessness about the future.
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Memory Problems: Difficulty remembering important aspects of the traumatic event.
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Difficulty Maintaining Relationships: Feeling detached from family and friends.
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Loss of Interest: Reduced interest in activities once enjoyed.
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Emotional Numbness: Feeling emotionally numb or unable to experience positive emotions.
4. Changes in Physical and Emotional Reactions:
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Being Easily Startled: Heightened reactions to stimuli.
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Hypervigilance: Being on constant alert for danger.
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Irritability: Irritability or angry outbursts.
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Guilt or Shame: Feelings of guilt or shame related to the trauma.
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Self-Destructive Behavior: Engaging in risky behaviors, such as substance abuse or reckless driving.
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Sleep Disturbances: Trouble sleeping or staying asleep.
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE(4673)
National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233
National Human Trafficking Hotline (888) 373-7888
Inside Out
Inside Out 2
Stages of Trauma Bonding
1. Love bombing
Love bombing occurs at the beginning of a relationship and involves excessive flattery and praise for the partner.
2. Trust and Dependency
In this stage, the perpetrator will do almost anything to make their partner trust them.
4. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes the victim question reality.
5. Resignation & Submission
At this point, the target of abuse doesn’t know what to believe and gives in to avoid conflict.
Signs of Trauma Bonding:
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Justifying abuse
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Covering for the abusive person
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Isolating, especially from people who are trying to help
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Becoming defensive when someone brings up the abuse or tries to help
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Not wanting to leave the situation
Signs of Emotional Addiction:
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Inappropriate behaviors
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Decreased productivity
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Damaged relationships
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Problems with self-management
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Difficulty planning
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Unwise decision-making
3. Criticism
After they have gotten a person’s trust, the abuser will start to pick apart their partner with the intention of making them feel negative about themselves.
6. Loss of self
When a person is in a trauma bond, it breaks down their confidence and sense of self.
7. Addiction
The stages of trauma bonds most commonly end up in a cycle.
Signs of Healthy Relationships:
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Respect
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Safety and Security
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Trust
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Support
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Accountability
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Willingness to grow and work through challenges
The Trauma Bond Brain Cocktail
A cocktail of different hormones like oxytocin (bonding), opioids (pleasure, pain, withdrawal) and dopamine (reward) are responsible for this feeling.
Your Brain in Trauma Bonding:
Healing Your Nervous System via Play
Somatic Experiencing
Models For Therapy:
Gottman Method: disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy
Emotionally Focused Therapy: can help people form more secure emotional bonds, which can promote stronger relationships and improved communication.
Why We Love, Why We Cheat
A world without love is a dangerous place...
The science of love is a multidisciplinary field encompassing psychology, neuroscience, biology, and sociology. It aims to understand the mechanisms, processes, and effects of love on individuals and relationships. Here are some key aspects:
Psychological Perspectives
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Attachment Theory: Developed by John Bowlby, this theory suggests that early relationships with caregivers shape our patterns of attachment in adult romantic relationships. Secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles influence how we experience and express love.
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Triangular Theory of Love: Proposed by Robert Sternberg, this theory describes love as having three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Different combinations of these components result in different types of love (e.g., romantic love, companionate love, fatuous love).
Neuroscientific and Biological Perspectives
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Brain Chemistry: Love triggers the release of various neurotransmitters and hormones:
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Dopamine: Associated with pleasure and reward, dopamine levels increase during the early stages of romantic love, creating feelings of euphoria and excitement.
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Oxytocin: Known as the "love hormone," oxytocin is released during physical touch, sex, and childbirth, promoting bonding and attachment.
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Vasopressin: Linked to long-term commitment and monogamous behavior, vasopressin plays a role in pair-bonding.
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Serotonin: Levels of serotonin can drop in the early stages of love, which may explain the obsessive thinking about a partner.
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Brain Areas Involved: Several brain regions are activated when people experience love:
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Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA): Associated with the reward circuitry and dopamine production.
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Caudate Nucleus: Involved in reward detection and expectation.
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Hypothalamus: Regulates the release of hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin.
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Evolutionary Perspectives
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Mate Selection: Evolutionary psychology suggests that love and romantic attraction are mechanisms for selecting and securing a mate with desirable traits, ensuring the survival and reproduction of offspring.
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Parental Investment: The theory posits that males and females have different strategies for reproductive success, influencing how they experience and express love and commitment.
Sociocultural Perspectives
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Social Learning: Cultural norms and societal expectations shape our understanding and expression of love. Media, family, and peer influences contribute to our perceptions of romantic relationships.
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Social Exchange Theory: This theory posits that love is based on a cost-benefit analysis, where individuals seek relationships that provide the greatest rewards and least costs.
Stages of Love
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Lust: Driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, lust is the initial stage of romantic attraction focused on physical desire.
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Attraction: Characterized by increased dopamine and norepinephrine levels, this stage involves intense focus on the partner, euphoria, and increased energy.
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Attachment: Associated with oxytocin and vasopressin, this stage involves deep emotional bonding and long-term commitment.
Impact of Love
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Mental Health: Love can have profound effects on mental health, improving well-being, reducing stress, and enhancing life satisfaction. Conversely, the loss of love or relationship issues can lead to emotional distress and mental health problems.
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Physical Health: Love and positive relationships are linked to better physical health outcomes, such as lower blood pressure, reduced risk of heart disease, and improved immune function.
Understanding the science of love involves exploring these various dimensions and recognizing how they interact to shape our experiences and relationships.
Sexology
The scientific study of human sexuality, including behaviors, interests, and functions, is called sexology. Sex is a set of biological attributes in humans and animals, including chromosomes, gene expression, hormone levels, and reproductive anatomy. Sex and gender are closely related, with sex referring to biological and physiological characteristics, and gender referring to socially constructed characteristics
Your Brain on Sex
The science of sex, love, attraction,
and obsession
Biological and Physiological Aspects
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Sexual Anatomy and Physiology:
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Reproductive Systems: Study of the male and female reproductive systems, including the anatomy and function of the organs involved in reproduction.
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Sexual Response Cycle: Understanding the phases of sexual arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution as described by Masters and Johnson.
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Hormonal Influences:
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Sex Hormones: Role of hormones like testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone in sexual development, arousal, and behavior.
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Neurotransmitters: Impact of chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin on sexual desire, pleasure, and bonding.
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Psychological and Emotional Aspects
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Sexual Identity and Orientation:
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Gender Identity: Exploration of how individuals perceive themselves in terms of gender and the development of gender identity.
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Sexual Orientation: Study of patterns of sexual attraction, including heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and asexuality.
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Sexual Behavior:
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Desire and Arousal: Examination of the psychological factors that influence sexual desire and arousal.
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Sexual Fantasies and Preferences: Research on the variety of sexual fantasies, preferences, and behaviors people engage in.
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Sociocultural Aspects
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Cultural and Social Influences:
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Cultural Norms: Impact of cultural, religious, and societal norms on sexual behavior, attitudes, and values.
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Sexual Scripts: Understanding the socially constructed guidelines for how individuals should behave in sexual situations.
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Sex Education:
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Educational Programs: Development and evaluation of sex education programs aimed at promoting sexual health and preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancies.
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Public Health Campaigns: Efforts to raise awareness about sexual health issues and promote safe sex practices.
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Medical and Health Aspects
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Sexual Health:
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Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs): Study of the transmission, prevention, and treatment of STIs.
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Contraception: Research on various contraceptive methods and their effectiveness.
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Sexual Dysfunction:
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Diagnosis and Treatment: Identification and management of sexual dysfunctions, such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and female sexual arousal disorder.
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Therapeutic Interventions: Use of psychological and medical treatments to address sexual problems.
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Developmental Aspects
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Sexual Development:
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Puberty and Adolescence: Study of the physical and psychological changes that occur during puberty and their impact on sexual development.
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Lifespan Sexuality: Exploration of how sexuality evolves across different stages of life, from childhood to old age.
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Sexual Behaviors in Children and Adolescents:
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Normal vs. Problematic Behaviors: Differentiating between typical sexual exploration and behaviors that may indicate underlying issues.
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Ethical and Legal Aspects
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Ethical Considerations: Addressing ethical issues related to research on human sexuality, including informed consent, confidentiality, and sensitivity to cultural differences.
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Legal Issues: Understanding the legal aspects of sexuality, including consent, sexual rights, and laws related to sexual behavior.
Secure Attachment:
Characteristics: Individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They are generally trusting, have healthy self-esteem, and are able to seek support when needed.
Childhood Origins: Resulting from consistent and responsive caregiving.Anxious-
Preoccupied Attachment:
Characteristics: Individuals crave closeness and often worry about the stability of their relationships. They may appear clingy or overly dependent on their partners.
Childhood Origins: Often linked to inconsistent caregiving, where the child's needs were sometimes met and sometimes ignored.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment:
Characteristics: Individuals tend to distance themselves from others, valuing independence over closeness. They may appear emotionally distant or indifferent in relationships.
Childhood Origins: Usually develops from caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive.
Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) Attachment:
Characteristics: Individuals have a mixed desire for closeness and fear of it, leading to unpredictable or erratic behavior in relationships. They may have difficulty trusting others and often experience intense emotional highs and lows.
Childhood Origins: Often associated with trauma, abuse, or significant caregiver neglect.
Understanding Attachment styles can help individuals recognize their own patterns and work towards healthier relationships. Therapy, self-reflection, and conscious effort in relationships can facilitate the shift towards a more secure attachment style.